1412

2010-02-06T21:26:00.000+08:00

pride.

2010-01-29T23:04:00.000+08:00

i always like how it feels when i see your name flooding my inbox.

2010-01-10T18:09:00.000+08:00

just let it be soon?

2010-01-08T22:10:00.000+08:00

in need of inspiration, and in need of you.

2009-12-31T21:19:00.002+08:00

"don't cry because it's over. smile because it happened."

now that 2009 is coming to an end, i found myself going back to that quote over and over again, justifying every single goodbye that had been said in the past year.

it's been a year filled with surprises and a hell lot of emotions. and i'm just glad that it's all over. now i can put all those things aside, and move on with life.

so, goodbye for now. and to the decade that was characterised by school uniforms, homework, tests and waking/staying up at ungodly hours.

2009-12-20T23:25:00.002+08:00

Photograph - Donora

We were supposed to take our picture

Do you remember saying that?

We wanted to capture it so

We could remember the lives

The lives we had

It was supposed to last forever

Every feeling we ever had

We said we'd remind each other

When we'd forgotten the lives

The lives we had

The lives we had.

2009-12-18T17:27:00.001+08:00

ouch. this is way worse than A levels.

2009-12-15T00:01:00.001+08:00

don't be another one, just like the other one.

2009-11-27T16:23:00.002+08:00

today feels like a sunday.

sometime soon, i might actually shut this blog down.

change can be good. or rather, change is good. =D

i'm happy.

2009-11-23T21:41:00.002+08:00

i'm getting more and more disillusioned by the minute. everything feels somewhat mindless to me.

but, hey! if spurs can win 9-1 and 9 goals were scored in the last 45 minutes, anything is possible.

2009-11-17T23:56:00.001+08:00

A levels, A levels go away.

i want my life back, i.e. watching all sorts of tv shows.

2009-11-14T11:48:00.000+08:00

it's like you all over again. except this time i know better.

2009-10-30T22:35:00.001+08:00

the tjc-ian in me feels like directing this in response to another school's publicity material a few years back. but i shall resist.

2009-10-27T21:25:00.001+08:00

you look distorted.

2009-10-26T17:21:00.002+08:00

so that's it. four years gone just like that. okay, not just like that. i've been through my fair share of hell in the last four years. but with the whole one-day-at-a-time mentality i've adopted since TA 1, my time in tj just flew past me. like that.

i was thinking through stuff on my way home today. long bus/mrt rides seem to be the best time to reflect on pretty much everything under the sun/moon. i digressed. anyway, that's when i realised why letting go of tj feels so different than letting go of ij. i left tj with no regrets. i've stretched myself as far as i could, no more what-ifs, no more could've-beens. all that's left is just what i have chosen to do and the things i've let happened. mistakes were made, and i've learnt from them. so, from where i am right now, i think i've seized all opportunities that came my way. or at least those that matter to me.

and i'm awfully glad to have shared this loooong journey with a bunch of people. i would post pictures of them here, but i have yet to get my hands on them. that shall wait. if you asked me how i would describe my TA years, i don't even know where to begin. way too many things have happened. and i would not have them happen any other way.

as i was telling a friend, i feel a mixture of relief and nostalgia. but i'm not sad, not at all. i guess the past will always be romanticised, and tj has officially become part of my past. it will always be there for me to revisit and steal a glance or two. but i'm ready to move on. so bring on A levels and whatever that comes after it.

i'm prepared. at last.

2009-10-24T21:44:00.001+08:00

i'm getting better when it comes to letting things/people go.

actually, i think i'm getting too good at it.

=( / =) ? you tell me.

2009-10-20T03:58:00.002+08:00

Summer: One day I woke up and I just knew.
Tom: Knew what?

Summer: What I was never sure of when I was with you.

- 500 Days of Summer

2009-10-18T16:29:00.002+08:00

my hair's slowly turning brown.

time to eat seaweed again. =)

2009-10-11T22:13:00.003+08:00

still hate that they killed michael scofield. viewers deserve better than that.

pomo makes no sense at all. no one told me that we've reached the end of history.

A level is evil.

want to sing peter pan's mungkin nanti really loudly and mean every word of it.

watching my celebrity home is the highlight of my day.

kinda upset with how reality tv shows are shaping up at the moment.

louise black should've stayed longer.

dead for prelims. just want to move on.

and finally, moving on.

or whatever that means.

2009-09-22T20:26:00.002+08:00

please do not tell me it's too late.

not at a time when i thought i've finally caught up with the way things are.

or were.

2009-09-15T22:05:00.000+08:00

shit.

tommy page's shoulder to cry on is playing on class 95.

2009-08-30T02:41:00.001+08:00

people always let you down.

all the time.

perhaps there is no longer a need to fulfil expectations.

2009-08-26T21:15:00.001+08:00

for now,

meet me on pillow st.

2009-08-15T00:46:00.002+08:00

i've always thought that walking away from a situation is the hard bit. but sometimes, it's staying on and fighting for what you believe in that proves to be more difficult. and it's through such moments, when you know you're going against your logic to follow what your heart feels is right, that you become a stronger person. no matter what the outcome is.

well, we learn new things everyday.

2009-08-07T22:59:00.002+08:00

Surrounded by Your glory,

What will my heart feel?

Will I stand in Your presence,

Or to my knees will I fall?

Will I sing 'Halellujah'?

Will I be able to speak at all?

I can only imagine.

Till then, please help me get through the days.

2009-07-21T17:14:00.003+08:00

i've always pictured that moment to be a little more bearable. happening at least a year from now. when feelings have grown a lot more distant. where nostalgia would be the word i'd associate it with. not awkwardness, not pain. definitely, not today.

we've both changed.. though i did recognise a familiar air of insecurities and that strange sense of humour. and my old negativity, perhaps.

that was a timely reminder, wasn't it? two days from now, four years ago. it was. when i knew it was a beginning of an end.

time doesn't help you get over things. it's just there to make sure you get used to them, to the point that you become numb and eventually forget.

the past is often romanticised. but at the end of the day, they're nothing but a bunch of fading memories. soon to be forgotten.

paths meet and cross only to diverge. never to meet again.

2009-07-20T16:42:00.001+08:00

12 is moving very slowly. and damn, i'm hungry and sleepy.

move, 12. mooove..

2009-07-15T16:49:00.001+08:00

well, that was awkward.

2009-07-14T17:56:00.002+08:00

"you're above average. but you're not the best. so be prepared to be one of the lowest in your school when you get there..."

i'll prove you wrong. just wait and see.

2009-07-08T22:57:00.000+08:00

if you are doing this deliberately, it's working. seriously.

2009-07-04T21:43:00.000+08:00

jadi, menurut kamu aku harus ngapain?

2009-07-01T19:38:00.001+08:00

studying for lit papers is the bane of my life. gah.

hello.

2009-06-27T11:36:00.002+08:00

it was against my better judgment.
now i just want to press the undo button.

2009-06-16T18:53:00.002+08:00

things were so much simpler 10 years ago. when all you need to know is that the government was bad and evil. because of them, they burn down schools and churches. and set off bombs.

the black and white world of a nine-year-old.

2009-05-29T00:11:00.002+08:00

"then the world is mistaken."

that's when. since you asked.

2009-05-13T20:35:00.002+08:00

Beauty that made this heart adore You
Hope for a life spent with You

it's week 8 of term 2. not even halfway through the year. and as it is, i'm dying. barely surviving - as of now, my mazarin project's stagnating, along with my H3 research and KI IS. hurray to me. and just when i thought life will be so much better after de-invest, it's not really happening. maybe it's my lack of motivation. procrastination seems to be a wonderful friend of mine lately. i should seriously get things back on track. for my own sake.

in any case, as i was listening to the valediction for the upcoming college day, i was reminded of all the things that happened in the past 3 1/2 years: voyage '06 (bellerophon, anyone? or maybe O'Night at the dance studio), tablet PCs, THINK cycle (and the KC), fish files, blacklights (HAHA!), dec street camp, JGs, 31st TA Wing (our 'just-the-5-of-us'), movie mania (choco fountain gone wrong), bahas, electives & (evil) IS, MUNs (-.-), acm, pre u sem (prata), 32nd, mardi gras (bala danced. how could anyone forget?), PW ('beauty-is-the-one-size-that-does-fit-all'), TIP (well, at least i got to know of simply toys sale early..), orientation '09, de-invest (finally) and of course, that.

way too many things have happened. and even more things have changed. attending the TA admission interview seemed like a long time ago. can't believe i kept second-guessing myself throughout the first two years in TJ. i'm happy now. and that's when i truly know that whatever happens to this, i'll accept it. but that doesn't mean i'm gonna go down without trying. because that would simply contradict everything i've fought hard for since 2006. and i'm not gonna end things that way. and for what it's worth, thank You for bringing me to where i am right now. could not have been any better than this.

Here I am to bow down
Here I am to say that You're my God.

2009-05-09T14:55:00.001+08:00

funny bizzaro comic after weeks of not so funny ones.

fine. it's just me.

2009-05-08T00:44:00.001+08:00

talking to someone made me realise how much i've grown over the past few years. let's just hope it is going somewhere. because sometimes, enough is enough. and for all you know, i might slide back down to square one again.

2009-05-02T21:34:00.002+08:00

i've learnt to fight like hell for the things that i want if i know they're within my rights. and that doesn't stop here.

that much i can promise you.

2009-04-30T08:53:00.003+08:00

if i were to cry on de-invest day, i thought i would be crying because i feel sad for having to step down after 2 years. but yesterday, it was more out of relief. it's been such a draining experience that i just want to stay away from everything council-related from now on.

i realised, now that i've got some time alone to think through things, i didn't feel sad at all yesterday because it simply marked the end of everything formal you get to do as councillors. losing the badge, the name tag, the chance to execute projects or to carry out dialogue sessions. you know what? i won't miss those things. we won't miss those things.

what i'll miss, though, is spending time together with the councillors, doing silly things with them. and did de-invest mark the end of that? course not. our captains were still getting trapped in the disabled lift right after invest. proves the point that silly things don't end along with our council term.

so, hey. you can look at our de-invest performances, video and speech in any way you want. because a week from now, you would've forgotten all that. but 10 years from now, we'll still remember one another. because we enjoyed our term. and tremendously so.

2009-04-25T21:01:00.001+08:00

kenny loggin's almost paradise is haunting me.

but, hey.

we should all move on and let go.
especially when it's clearly time to.

2009-04-19T18:21:00.001+08:00

we often mask our inadequacy by giving valid excuses. but what happens when they're no longer valid?

that's the scary bit.

2009-04-17T20:52:00.001+08:00

yea, i was sure when i told you that. but not exactly for the reason i specified. but i couldn't have told you the real reason why.

it's just not time yet.

2009-04-06T08:53:00.002+08:00

The truth is always there, under a blanket of cowardice and shame.

it has you written all over it. but what the heck. i'm ready to start over..

2009-03-29T12:20:00.004+08:00

i've spent the past 23 months chasing deadlines after deadlines, writing a proposal/action plan/agenda after another. claiming to be tired is a major understatement. the past 11 months had been especially exhausting. there's a constant fear of overlooking something, and i'm perpetually forced to keep thinking days, weeks or sometimes months ahead. to be in a position where i have a good view of things before they happen. it takes a hell lot of energy and brain cells (not that i have plenty to begin with). not to mention hours of sleep that went along with it.

i did learn a lot, though. i've learnt to let go these days. when things don't go as they should, well, just take a deep breath, gather your thoughts and move on. look for alternatives and make the best of what you have left. no point looking back and thinking of all the what-ifs.

it's nearing the end, at last. just one more project left. perhaps the most important of them all. i want this to be a successful one. not just because of the self-gratifying purpose it'll fulfil as in the case for every other successful project, but because i want to make sure that the incoming batch will be ready to take their place. to guarantee that the council will be in good hands after we leave. only then can we say that we've completed our term well.

i'd miss council, that's for sure. i can only imagine how it feels like to only have A level to care about. no more proposals, action plans, agenda and deadlines bugging me. but i'm ready to let go. i welcome the thought of having more personal time to sort out my own stuff.

let's just say that it's about time for us all to move on.

2009-03-26T19:26:00.002+08:00

after today's papers, i just want to dig a hole and hibernate in there till the end of A level.

sigh. such is life.

2009-03-20T11:28:00.002+08:00

"We live in a crowded world of strangers, from which standards of taste have all but disappeared, in which the educated class retains no common culture, and in which knowledge has been parcelled out into specialisms, each asserting its monopoly interest against the waves of migrant ideas."

just the second paragraph and i'm already hooked on scruton's book. makes studying for KI a little bit more bearable.

2009-03-15T11:23:00.001+08:00

you've moved on. and so have i.

or just perhaps?

2009-03-08T09:25:00.001+08:00

we'll eventually move on.
that's life.

2009-03-01T12:01:00.002+08:00

watching arsenal play is like watching a double decker bus 13 make its way from bedok to bishan. slow and uneventful.

on a completely different note, i think i'm officially dying under the workload. i was having dinner last night when i suddenly realised that i have to be in 2 places at the same time after school for almost the entire week. random realisations.

2009-02-25T21:47:00.000+08:00

the silly little things we took for granted.
okay, fine.
i took for granted.

2009-02-22T18:53:00.002+08:00

this has been one of the worst weekends ever. for the first time in 11 months, i lost sight of the bigger picture. my own pride has finally caught up. and suddenly i feel lost and guilty. it took someone's honesty (and harsh words that went along with it) to make me realise that i am becoming the very person i swore never to emulate. and damn, it hurts.

we all make mistakes. but this isn't the way i imagined it to be. i knew i'm capable of more. more than this.

well, we fall. either we pick ourselves up or life goes on without us.

2009-02-19T21:48:00.001+08:00

such a disappointment.

2009-02-15T10:16:00.000+08:00

You and me, we are just a bunch of dreamers lucky to collide.

2009-02-09T23:00:00.002+08:00

i should take the train home more often. good time to reflect and reorganise my thoughts. this time, i just remembered how close it is to your birthday. for a moment i thought i've missed it in the midst of hectic orientation preparations. you've been away for far too long. but then again, it's not like you're one of those who celebrate their own birthdays excessively.

and that was also when i realised that i'm not prepared to let things go. 4 years aren't enough. so, no. not yet. we all gotta wait, sometimes.

2009-02-08T10:01:00.004+08:00

enough is said about how great and fantastic orientation was. ran on pure adrenaline, commitment and excitement for a good 5 days. still recovering from the exhaustion.

21 months of council work was beginning to take its toll on me. extremely obvious for those who saw how i looked like during/after O night. but now that it's all over, seeing the responses of the new tjc-ians (yeap, we proudly stalked their personal blogs) to our orientation makes it all seem worthwhile.

seriously. if you love the things you get to do as a councillor and if you really love your college, do you really need a reason for running?

i'd do it over and over and over again if i can.

2009-02-01T22:53:00.002+08:00

my sc gmail account is unusually quiet. it's like the calm before the storm. haha.

heck. i'm excited. that's all i need to know.

i've come to realise that being busy and stressed is fun. i don't mean it in a sarcastic sense. it just is. the adrenaline rush is hundred times better than the one you get from speaking on the floor as a third speaker.

so, in spader's words,
"hobey ho, let's go!"

2009-02-01T10:51:00.001+08:00

second chances. i'm lucky enough. even then, i'm determined to do it right. all over again.

2009-01-29T23:36:00.001+08:00

i won't let it get to me. i won't let it get to me. i won't let it get to me. i won't let it get to me. i won't let it get to me. i won't let it get to me. i won't let it get to me. i won't let it get to me. i won't let it get to me. i won't let it get to me. i won't let it get to me. i won't let it get to me. i won't let it get to me. i won't let it get to me. i won't let it get to me. i swear.

2009-01-28T21:42:00.001+08:00

luck.
=)

2009-01-24T21:51:00.002+08:00

i've discovered a new found attitude that seemed to be unachievable at this time last year. orientation is coming and so is nomination. yet i'm still unfazed despite the many last minute changes that have thrown our original plans off balance for the past couple of weeks. in fact, i can't wait to do the action plan for orientation on monday. i will get to see this entire thing fall into place for the first time. even though it's only on paper. =)

btw, thanks for today.. let's hope this won't be the last.

2009-01-17T22:45:00.002+08:00

"what do you want to achieve at the end of one year?"

ask me again, and i will tell you a different answer from the last. because now, i know what i want.

2009-01-14T20:14:00.002+08:00

"now it's very clear to me that the past remains in the past and that the significance we used to assign to certain people, places and things before can be completely lost ... now they are just that: things, items of no importance."

and just when i was re-reading that writeup from the picture i took, a message came in asking how my day was.

right..

2009-01-13T22:21:00.002+08:00

it's just the 2nd day of school. and it's enough to highlight my inadequacy in the most crystal clear manner. i swear life as a year two is depressing.

10 years. we've all changed, haven't we?

2009-01-08T23:53:00.003+08:00

it takes more than just strong personal values to resist the urge to conform. second-guessing and pretending to be someone i'm not are damn exhausting. it has always been a toss up between exhaustion and pain. either way, it's my loss because i'll never be good enough.

"you know, at first i thought it was unfounded.."

so did i. still do, sometimes.

2009-01-03T03:10:00.002+08:00

Can you help me remember how to smile?
Make it somehow all seem worth while.

honesty isn't the best policy. keeping your mouth shut is. being truthful just gets you into trouble. but keeping things to yourself helps you avoid them. that's the first lesson of 2009. 2009 still sounds odd.

currently suffering from a terrible case of insomnia. tried to sleep before 1 am but still wide awake till now. my extremely random playlist - from soul asylum to story of the year - doesn't seem to help either.

with all the talks about future careers everywhere i go, i realised how appealing it is to get a job that gives you financial security. $4.5k start up salary sounds pretty enticing. i know money can't buy happiness. but with more than enough money coming in each month, it leaves you with one less thing to worry about. then you can concentrate on the things that will really bring happiness to your doorstep. like getting someone to make a customised bed that can simulate the movement of a bus. that'll help me sleep better.

2009-01-02T01:18:00.001+08:00

since we've just ushered in the new year - my final year in TJ, i looked back at something we were all made to do at the start of TA1: the peaks personality profiling. flipped through the report and realised that i barely recognised the person who sat for the test.

they say i find it difficult coping with stressful situations and get easily worried about most responsibilities. and apparently, i have low achievement level and self confidence. not to mention a very low ability to handle ambiguity and chaos and an unusually high conflict proneness. in short, i have high purpose, low energy, low affirmation, low knowledge and extremely low sustainability.

looking back, i'm not entirely surprised. i was a humongous mess then. but like i said before, things changed and we grew up. that's inevitable.

so with the new year comes changes. i've been rather jaded with school work, the college and council. and i'm saying that with no shame at all. but as i read someone's blog, i was reminded of the little things i should be grateful for. and i'm inspired to move along with those changes and the challenges that will come.

i'm entering the year with a renewed sense of excitement and passion. no more second-guessing or chasing shadows. whatever 2009 brings - good and bad - i'll take them all in.

2008-12-25T01:17:00.003+08:00

one year makes a lot of difference. things changed, we grew up and moved on. somehow. but some would remain unchanged. i won't go anywhere. you have my word.

anyways, i've decided to give my blog a break for the rest of the year. so, merry christmas to all and a happy new year in advance.

2008-12-21T13:19:00.006+08:00

a day before the 4th sunday of advent, my brother and i finally managed to make a christmas corner at home. from scratch. just a nativity scene with advent candles (fine, they're tealight candles) as the main focus of everything else. i loved it this way. especially with christmas being extremely commercialised and all those conventional christmas songs played everywhere these days.. so, a simple but meaningful nativity scene is a great reminder of what christmas really is all about. =)

2008-12-18T00:52:00.001+08:00

2008-12-10T19:26:00.003+08:00

when they told me that there isn't much to do in the office, they were wrong. it's more like there isn't anything to do in the office. i was massively bored since i had nothing to do for a good 8 hours. literally. and out of that 8 hours, am pretty sure i spent 5 of them reading up random news on yahoo. for once, i think i can pass a current affairs quiz. like one of those i keep failing since mrs stephen's class.

the longer i stay in that office building, the more certain i am that law isn't for me. even when i put aside the countless number of hours spent doing nothing. 7 more working days. i don't know why it seems so far away from now. seriously, when the highlight of your day is going to the washroom or the pantry, something must be utterly wrong. it feels like those primary 3 or TA 1 days. waking up every morning is so dreadful just because i don't wanna leave the house. i wonder if i still have that ability to make myself fall sick magically. it worked superbly well 8 years ago.

anyway, simply toys is having a clearance outlet conveniently located near my workplace till 8 jan. that means my collection will experience a growth spurt. too bad my shelves aren't growing along. next time we move house again, i will convince my mum that it's time to invest in a proper display cabinet on my behalf. heh.

2008-12-09T21:38:00.002+08:00

in life, i've always thought that you either let go or fight your ass off to hold on to the things you want. and that applies to pretty much everything - from personal relationships to aspirations.

i've been so caught up in fulfilling expectations and chasing the shadows of others that i went nowhere. the silly second-guessing game and the fear of inadequacy. so, it clearly hasn't been the most enjoyable year ever but i'm not gonna complain. everything happens for a reason. i've grown. and have my questions answered.

going back to the idea of letting go and holding on, they're not always mutually exclusive. the harder you try to hold on to things, the further away they get. eventually, in one way or another, you would let them go. but, when you do let them go willingly, not all will be lost.

i'm not going to repeat that mistake ever again. once was more than enough.

so as the year comes to an end, it's time to let go of many things. no matter how much it hurts or how difficult it would be.

2008-12-05T00:15:00.005+08:00

They say that love can heal the broken

They say that hope can make you see

They say that faith can find a Savior

If you would follow and believe

With faith like a child.

Your kingdom come but my will was done. this time i wanna make it different. and Lord, it's hard to keep walking when i can barely see a thing. i wish i could just believe. and move along with faith like a child.

2008-12-03T21:25:00.003+08:00

just between you and me.

2008-12-02T18:35:00.003+08:00

random thoughts in my head today:

"mum, i've been fired!" was so tempted to tell her that when i was let off from work much earlier than expected. by that i meant ending work for the day at 11 am. but my brother ruined it by telling her first before i could call. damn.

bought the new paper to read articles on arsenal's win over chelsea at stamford bridge. flipped to the sports section and saw a picture of denilson and van persie. the caption says, "Van Persie scored a double while Denilson looked impressive". what?! denilson loses the ball as soon as it touches his boots. put ramsey or wilshere in and they'll do even better. blah. it's either my dad and i are stupid or the critics are fooled. seriously.

oh. i like this thing called "warranty". i get to repair my phone and tablet for free thanks to that.

i've started to hear last christmas everywhere i go these days. granted it has sentimental values but the song is stupid. 'last christmas i gave you my heart, the very next day you gave it away. this year to save me from tears, i'll give it to someone special'. i get it, but every year you seem to be saying the same thing.

btw, you're as funny and confusing as ever. annoying combination. but then again, that's how you've been for the entire year. so, why am i not surprised?

2008-11-30T18:09:00.002+08:00

painfully went through those evil 4500 messages in my inbox and selectively deleted them. my poor thumb. now that i officially have a month and 12 days' worth of holidays left, i should seriously consider starting on my work proper. there's a pile of books on my table waiting to be read and analysed, a list of books i need to grab from the library and a proposal to be written. and those are only for KI. so, yes. i am pretty screwed, i think. i'll start by making a to-do list tonight. you can never go wrong with that. am determined to survive this.

oh, right. the big game tonight. either i get laughed at or i get to laugh at someone. we'll see.

2008-11-26T10:47:00.002+08:00

you and me,

we're just a bunch of dreamers

lucky to collide

i feel like i've been swept into a different environment. a little too quickly for me to follow, perhaps? and definitely more than what i expected when i said yes.

it's old yet foreign at the same time. familar faces from the past but not quite so anymore. i'm re-acquainting myself with them, with the way things work around here. haven't done the best job yet, but it's been a nice ride. that much i know. because it's away from school, away from expectations, unhealthy competitions and everything bad that comes with it.

and hey, about our unfinished conversation, i'm looking forward to hearing more. because for once, i really enjoyed the exchange of ideas.

captain cesc! that's the way to go.

2008-11-24T14:22:00.002+08:00

the demon called Insomnia strikes back!

anyway, just because i rarely express my feelings doesn't mean i don't appreciate what you say or do. it's really your occasional presence and advice that brought me to where i am right now. that much, i owe it to you. and i mean it. so, as a friend, i certainly hope you're enjoying your new found freedom. you deserve it, really.. and thanks for the prayer too. kinda need it now that i'm feeling more alone than ever. thanks to my wonderful ability of pushing everyone else away.

you see, it's easy to get over your anger. probably takes a day. two at max. but when it comes to disappointments and hurt, those take ages to go away. in fact i don't think they would ever disappear. you just grow increasingly numb each passing day. eventually you'll forget they're there. until someone else comes along and gets a little too close. then those painful memories come flooding back in again. that's when you push people, keep them at an arm's length away. well, even when you lose the highs at least you know you're spared the lows. and that's what's important. i think?

monsieur wenger, it's time to sack gallas. he's not worthy of that armband.

2008-11-22T15:07:00.001+08:00

i'm a nobody to you.
i swear i'm done.

2008-11-21T19:53:00.000+08:00

am awfully glad you asked.

2008-11-20T20:15:00.004+08:00

i don't have much respect for people who can hardly sort out their commitments and priorities. and those who think that saying sorry would solve everything. bugger.

2008-11-20T00:17:00.000+08:00

i said i was gonna wait. so here i am. still waiting for a promise meant to be fulfilled two years ago. and even if i have to wait for another couple of years, so be it. i will never walk away. as promised. =T

2008-11-18T09:28:00.004+08:00

"You're a dreamer. Always have been. You've got a great taste in music. But a horrible taste in friends."

they played a song during camp. instantly recognised it after 2 seconds of the intro had been played. how could i not? it was one of your favourite songs. or is it still? too many things have changed around here.

anyway, my comp crashed. my star wars poster dropped. bad night. but i'll do something therapeutic once i send my tablet to fujitsu. you've been warned.

2008-11-16T19:21:00.003+08:00

con camp 08: be not afraid!

it was an amazing experience. had loads of fun facilitating it and seeing familiar faces. got in touch with people i've been wanting to talk to but couldn't due to some unfortunate circumstances. watching people reenact hsm3, singing 'maria, maria' along with some attempted spanish dance moves and 'i've been dreaming of a true love's kiss...' in a baby voice can be really funny. the silly things we do past midnight while waiting for debrief to start. not to forget kidnapping gen and forcing her to act as her sister in our class photo can be fun to. i wonder what mich would say to that.

but this is still my favourite:

that's ariel's wrist. with a dotted line drawn across and the words "cut here" written on it. couldn't stop laughing.

2008-11-14T00:10:00.000+08:00

noooooo... you cannot do a remake of The Karate Kid!! especially with Stephen Chow as Mr Miyagi. you're just going to ruin it!

2008-11-13T16:22:00.000+08:00

Beauty that made this heart adore You;

Hope of a life spent with You.

2008-11-12T16:55:00.003+08:00

"But I don't believe that success is linked with experience. It is linked with desire, with talent, with intelligence. You can be intelligent at 18 or 20 and you can be stupid at 30."

-Arsene Wenger

How can you not love him as a football manager? Now, Monsieur Wenger, all you need to do is convert those jokers back into gunners and keep them that way for seasons to come. Then we'll talk about winning trophies.

2008-11-09T10:16:00.002+08:00

as much as i complain about being stuck with a hundred 15-year-olds, sleeping on a cement floor armed only with my sleeping bag and inflatable pillow (if i could locate its whereabouts) and being stuck with no internet for a good three days, i'm looking forward to con camp in a strange way. i guess that change of pace is what i really need.

lester was right. yesterday felt like the good old cat class days. playing with kinder surprise toys (trini's sharkie is adorable!), being shot dagger looks for not paying attention and talking during briefing and complaining about how boring it was sounds exactly like us.

so, who cares if i'd get really dirty and wet during mass games? gabby and i have that yucky lime green ha-choo-i-caught-the-green-virus NYEC shirt to spare, anyway.

now, i just need to shake off this silly flu and sore throat.

2008-11-07T17:35:00.002+08:00

there are certain things you need to see to believe. but there are others you need to believe in order to see.

and i hope i'm not making a mistake now.

2008-11-06T15:19:00.003+08:00

it feels as if i'm walking a fine line. and it takes a hell lot of effort to keep going. i'm just so drained that i want to stop moving and run far away from the accumulated expectations and burden.

2008-11-05T17:30:00.002+08:00

had an odd dream last night. like one of those i used to have years ago. and i really thought it was you standing next to me. felt like it because it felt right. but it wasn't. and i don't know why. clearly i haven't come to terms with the way things played out. not even years after.

2008-11-04T00:02:00.000+08:00

my entire feet are hurting and that's keeping me awake. they don't hurt in the my-not-fully-formed-meniscus-is-giving-me-problems sense. more like the nine-years-ago kinda pain. it's disturbing since i was supposed to outgrow this by the time i turn 14. but apparently it's still around. like it or not. it's getting more and more frequent these days. and i don't quite know why.

anyway, hello to you, slim santa!

2008-11-03T18:01:00.003+08:00

done with PW for good. bought casting crowns' latest christmas album. everything feels right for now.

2008-11-02T16:14:00.001+08:00

i still care. though i know it's too late to say anything right now. and i truly am sorry.

2008-10-31T14:26:00.001+08:00

this time i'll make it right.
i promise.
because i'm sick of failing.

2008-10-30T22:52:00.002+08:00

i wish i could see everything in black and white.
things are getting very messy these days.
and i'm tired.

2008-10-29T19:15:00.002+08:00

more or less done with my 3rd year in the college (except for evil OP). i seem to have bad luck when it comes to even years. it's been a rather unhealthy one this time. am pretty sure i spent most of the year second-guessing every single thing that i do. as a friend, leader and student. sucks, really. just when i thought i've resolved that inferiority complex of mine, it decided to resurface again. worse than ever before. perhaps it's the burden of expectations or just the sustained and tremendous amount of stress i've been under. same difference.

oh. btw, this thing that you do - repetitively taking a step forward then backwards then forward again - is confusing me. the first time this happened, it turned out to be a case of misleading and misreading. nothing more. now that you've started it all over again, i'm pretty sure the outcome would remain the same. so until you prove my suspicions wrong, i'll stay an arm's length away from you.

2008-10-28T18:46:00.002+08:00

where are you when i need you most? =(

fyi, i never got over it. i just got used to it.

2008-10-26T20:23:00.000+08:00

you're reducing me into a ball of confusion. again.

2008-10-25T17:44:00.002+08:00

in life, there's always a constant need to check where we stand. even if it hurts to know the truth.